Abundant Boundaries are Precise
He says "I like you. I want to spend time with you. I find I have sexual desire for you."
I can feel the way this man I barely know sets my nervous system running—the thrill of his interest, a flicker of reciprocal desire, and a little chill of fear.
I don't want him. I don't know him. I don't desire time with him, not because of who or how he is, but because I am satisfied and FULL with all I have.
I feel nothing that inspires me to invest my precious and limited time or energy to receive it.
I feel him—I am open. From what I feel, I don't want to receive, but that doesn't mean I need to close. I can remain empty.
"Thank you. It takes courage to say that and I appreciate hearing it. It feels good to know you find me attractive."
It does feel good. The minute I read his message, I received plenty from this man. I received delight that someone is interested, a confidence boost, a little shot of sexual intrigue that I always enjoy.
I don't have to tell him no. He's using a skilled approach, whether he knows it or not.
His approach requires me to project an offer, which is something I'm very likely to do if I am interested. Since I am not interested, his skilled approach does not require me to say no to him. I simply do not project an offer is there where desire is all he has expressed. I receive what is actually there, which is desire. I endorse the state he arrived in as the only possible state—desire.
Saying any sort of "no" is setting a boundary against my own projection, and I'm not big on "boundaries against" in the first place. I would be the one invoking the potential of fulfillment of desire in order to say it does not exist.
My real boundary is when I don't make the projection that he's offering me something. I keep my attention on what I appreciate about what's actually there, and leave the rest sitting right where it is.
A man's desire is not a demand on me. I experience demand the moment I choose to project an offer or demand onto a man who reveals his desire. I do that only to keep myself safe, because I fear the threat of his ego, due to my experiences of other men's ego. Possibly there is a demand there, but unless I project it, I won't experience it.
If, after I do not project it, he asserts a demand, then I'm navigating an interaction with a man who is demanding of me. That's when I can respond with a firm boundary, say no, or simply give him NO more attention whatsoever.
I stay centered. I stay rooted in reality. My boundaries are about what I AM available for.
