Body Slow
Every man in my life now is deeply relaxing to my body.
I mean friends and lovers both.
Sometimes it's sad, now, when I see good qualities in a man and desire some form of relationship with him, but my body is a little stressed around him, and I know I won't be spending time around him.
We might have good conversation or a rare common interest, and I may feel some part of me reaching toward him, but I choose to preserve my own experience of desire rather than move toward him.
My experiences in childhood taught me to have a body that was stressed out and fearful all the time. I was controlled with threats in childhood, and I learned to live in fear of threat, not even considering consequences.
It was a miracle when I first felt the way a safe man had my body relax deeper and deeper as a result of his presence.
Even then, I knew this was not his job. It was not that he was doing something right, it was that I was finally able to relax in the presence of a safe man, and I was learning how to be attracted and relaxed at the same time. I finally knew how to allocate my own attention to what felt safe, relaxing, and peaceful in my body.
I cried on the floor every day for 8 months, letting the ancient tension release in my body bit by bit, reclaiming energy that was always mine for me. I pushed my own edges of relaxation, spoke to the tension within myself, reprogrammed how I approached driving, government systems, grocery shopping, and all manner of other things that I was stressed about, upon further examination, out of pure habit.
It has been years now since I felt fear around a man. I create more space at the first sign of unease, and it's not that hard, even when it's sad, because I have so many deliciously safe men in my life, enough to keep me plenty busy.
I couldn't hear this signal when my system was constantly keyed up in fear. I couldn't tell the difference between a man who relaxed my body and one who stressed me out when I was always stressed out.
Emotional Mastery provided the key to unlock my steady empowerment in life and in relationships. I leverage the technology of independence to allow myself to invest and divest easily in connection, finding deeper alignment all the while.
