Boundaries are Kind
One night a date sweet talked me through getting ready and meeting him on the street a little way down from my house.
We had a delightful walk. He was charming and very drunk. I asked him how much he'd had to drink and he avoided the question.
We went a couple places, and on the street on the way to another I realized: I want to be at home. The place I will most enjoy my experience is at home. I could stay here and wait for the experience to deteriorate and have a “good reason” to leave, but I actually have a great reason to BE HOME. The reason is I want to.
He wanted a different reason—"what went wrong?" I held my ground sweetly. Nothing HAD gone wrong. "I have enjoyed our time together. Now I want to be at home." I walked my body in the direction of home.
We got waylaid at another spot, I connected with some friends and reoriented to exquisiteness.
How far had I strayed? A few fake smiles. Some casual irritation and contempt. A sense that the world had narrowed down, that the people in my town were not friendly to me.
A mild wander, and an admirable return. The whole world warmed and opened back up when I identified what was really FOR ME in that moment, and I'm proud I didn't wait for the pain of realizing "oh this is so NOT for me..."
I STAYED in a good experience, I moved toward better and better experiences, and that caused me to change locations and defy someone else's expectations.
I left while things were going well, and that was naturally confusing for him.
I held steady in disappointing another person with the sure knowledge that I was honoring myself, and ended pushback on my choice with positive communication of where I DID want to be. This gave his confusion clarity. Since I didn’t wait till I had a bad time, I wanted his confusion to have clarity—I was free of resentment which might (as it has in the past for me) drive vindictiveness or punitive behavior as I “set my boundaries.”
Loving boundaries are kind. Loving boundaries are proactive enough that I’m still in a state where it’s easy for me to be kind when I define them.
Even as my boundary disappoints someone else, it remains kind toward them as it is rooted in kindness to myself.
