Chaotic

“What if I'm the chaotic woman?”

A client posted this in a private group today.

I commented "ur not" because for HER the idea is kinda laughable.

But we all get to wondering.

Am I the crazy one here?

When it seems that the world is ruled by delusion and fear and demands, when loved ones collude to take responsibility off the table by distributing blame, when things are just so fucking overwhelming that I want to scream my head off, or I do...

How do I know I'm expressing versus dumping? How do I know that I'm not bypassing?

First, let's start with the definition of the chaotic feminine, which, unfortunately is not limited just to women.

The chaotic feminine is a life-experiencer in constant emotional reference. Everything in the world boils down to how she feels "about it." She navigates via emotions, meaning she is in cooperation and craving for a certain set of emotions she prefers and at war with a set of emotions she finds unpleasant. She believes that the unpleasantness of her emotions is a sign that the world, most often a man or romantic partner, is serving something unfair.

"Why does it feel like this?" is her refrain.

When she has a bad experience, she looks for who caused it and how and why it's happening and how it can never happen again. She uses these conversations as the expression of the somatics of this emotion as well as every other emotion she's at war with inside herself. The conversation can't actually go anywhere because it isn't rational; it ends when her verbal expression has effectively transitioned her emotional experience. Then it ramps back up again as soon as something in the world calls to that intensity always bubbling within her.

Some of her emotions are evidence that things are going right, some are evidence that things are going wrong.

Since we live in a culture that endorses this idea, the chaotic feminine has a lot of clout. Her emotional intensity and overwhelm is a powerful currency to recruit support and leverage others to fulfill her demands.

Anyone with a strong masculine will be courted by the chaotic feminine. I have a strong masculine, and men in their chaotic feminine are attracted to that quality in me. It's up to me to be their gracious host while they're in my field but never their suitor.

Emotions are like waves on the ocean, and the chaotic feminine navigates her ship from wave to wave—that's the chaotic part. This practice keeps her spinning on the surface with no clear direction, no compass heading, no way to check if she is on course.

She is not necessarily destructive, to herself or to others, she's simply lost, confused, desperate, and trying to find someone else to save her from this.

Can we blame her?

I certainly can't, not for how I've lived in her shoes through following "good communication" advice and being ignorant of the somatic nature of grief.

Our culture does not reliably produce adults, it does not reliably produce individuals who have mastery over their emotional experience.

We don't even have a cultural idea of what emotional mastery means.

Emotional mastery is not about "not feeling" certain things, it's not about always feeling a certain way.

Emotional mastery is a claim over my emotional experience and emotional expression, a way of harnessing every emotional experience FOR ME.

It is not FOR ME to let my emotions sow confusion in my close relationships.

It is not FOR ME to attempt to outsource my feelings, eliminate certain feelings, or fix what was never broken.

It is FOR ME to feel. Feeling the feeling IS the communication, it's all the communication the feeling itself requires.

I say that I don't do verbal emotional processing in relationships, and this is what I'm talking about; I don't use words to stop or change or prevent emotions. But I do process the physics and energetics of relationships from a stance that all emotions are neutral, like waves, and I am able to survive them, a seaworthy vessel.

Emotional Mastery has given me a compass heading. Because of Emotional Mastery, I know what to do with each emotion, and I know how to navigate via the feeling that ACTUALLY matters.

With Emotional Mastery, I have integration of my masculine and feminine, which is what it means to have "a strong masculine" and "a surrendered feminine." This is practical: I have material practices which serve my experience of life. I am loyal to my experience of life, and my emotions are part of that, but only a part.

No, we can't blame the chaotic feminine for expressing as she does—she never learned another way. As I teach the way, I see those who have only had access to the cultural understandings MELT with relief that they finally have something else to do. Something that actually works, something that actually makes sense, something that promotes real intimacy in their relationships.

If this "chaotic feminine" is you and you're tired of the chaos, if you can feel in your bones the way you're spinning on the surface of the ocean without direction, there are answers. There are ways. They aren't that complicated. They do require relentless and ruthless personal responsibility, but responsibility is a synonym for freedom.

I believe you deserve the freedom of emotional mastery, and that's the theme for the June masterclasses.

90 Minutes on zoom could mean a lifetime of peaceful relationships. Come check it out.