Crawl

We were crowded on the floor like school children

but the topic was very adult

a kink shadow workshop, which, if you have no experience probably sounds like a savage environment, but if you have any experience you know to be the squishiest safest lovefest you could find.

A man made eye contact from a few bodies away, smiled at me and I smiled back.

He opened his arms and I crawled into his lap, he stroked my hair and my face while we continued listening.

This was our first conversation, our first interaction.

Often I wonder why we talk first.

If I don't want to crawl into your lap, why on EARTH would I want to have a conversation with you?

But, I digress.

This moment is just one small moment, but it is a compilation of triumphs which includes

—Me feeling ALWAYS safe in my boundaries

—Me feeling at ease, DELIGHTED with men's expressions of desire for me and toward me

—Me feeling completely agentic and at choice about how to engage with men's expressions of desires and offers of attention and touch

—Refined and delicious nonverbal communication SKILLZ on his part and mine

—Having found environments where people speak this language

—Speaking this nonverbal language clearly with my body, BEING touchable, inviting respectful touch, holding the exact tone of the interaction I am available for in any given moment

—Trusting myself absolutely with enacting crystal clear resistance and bodily prevention of anything I would not enjoy

—Having freedom from any false beliefs that I owe any other person any specific experience, especially at the expense of my finite time, energy, and attention.

—Having freedom to have loving and delicious interactions with others that do not involve projection-torture over the coming hours, days and weeks. I wanna call this secure detachment.

One moment, which represents YEARS of investigating false beliefs, doomed expectations, delusional projection practices, as well as years of clarifying and coming into integrity and authenticity, so that my depths are represented on my surface.

But it's one moment I get to play out over and over again, having safe touch NOW. Having community, connection, devotion NOW. Not waiting for some specific commitment from some specific person, but following the thread of devotional love as it takes me through the village of those who know how to love well within any given moment.

And, every moment, being loved well.