The most devoted relationship of my life was not sustainable.
I know this because it did not sustain.
This is the simple truth I have been walking myself back to for well over a year and a half now.
Despite what you might perceive of me, I am not very analytical.
Analysis is rumination. Why did it happen like that? What does this serve? What is really aligned for me? How else could it have gone?
The truth is, it does not matter why it happened like that.
I may ask the question, curiously, what does this serve, but I trust that I will be shown the answer. I do not expect to think my way there.
What is aligned for me is here and now, because it is happening, so it is what is aligned for me. Rumination does not serve me in receiving and having more of what is here and now for me.
The way it went is the only way it could have gone.
Given all I experienced, I have more information about what I want to walk toward, where I want to focus the investment of my sacred time, energy, and attention.
The more I focus on the minutia of what I experienced, especially how it's someone else's fault, the less I focus on my larger responsibilities and the wholeness of the situation.
I know he should have dropped me because he DID. I can and have and do still think frequent unproductive thoughts about this, and I choose to follow them back out to wholeness.
In the wholeness, what was unpleasant was that I was too little invested in what else was holding me, other than him. The fact that I fell when he dropped me is not about him dropping me, it's about ME dropping my responsibility to invest in my experience of a larger structure of holding. The thoughts I might think of him are thoughts about a man who is not aligned for me.
The pain I felt in that fall is something no one else can hold with me. They might be there while I hold it, but just like physical pain, even the person who caused it cannot take it away once it's there.
If it hurts, it's mine. And I am the one.
I love that you are sharing this perspective. It resonates so fully with me, but I'm not sure I've ever met anyone who lives it--or even accepts it. Much gratitude for your example and your willingness to share so widely.