Disempowerment Triangle

Disempowerment in relationship comes in three flavors, and I bet you've heard of them.

The flavors are Victim, Perpetrator, and Rescuer.

These three are often called the drama triangle or the domestic abuse triangle, so the words might have some charge to them. But whatever the charge we feel or project, these relational postures are neutral consequences of attempting to be in relationship without personal empowerment.

The sad reality is, most of us grew up learning disempowerment from people who were disempowered.

There's actually a lot of "good relationship advice" which keeps one solidly within this triangle, orbiting through the roles. These roles are so common that we treat them more like static states than temporary phases. We try to relate better from within the triangle, not even aware we might live beyond it.

True relational empowerment is so uncommon that advice which takes us out of this triangle might seem to be victim blaming or shaming, heartless to the rescuer, conciliatory to the perpetrator.

True empowerment is beyond all these roles and inclusive of them. It can seem savage or brutal to one who wholeheartedly embraces a worldview of the triangle, one who, so critical of power, fears to wield their personal power.

Here's how we can neutrally understand the victim, perpetrator, rescuer flavors of disempowerment so that we can see ourselves in it in the everyday low-stakes way most of us are in it.

The victim is giving time, energy, or attention to others from a state of disempowerment. This might be as minor as responding to obligation or emotional manipulation, or as major as having something stolen or taken by another.

The perpetrator is gaining time, energy, or attention from others from a state of disempowerment. The perpetrator is the one we want to think is in their power, but if they truly had power, they'd have no reason to steal. Energy vampirism is the most neutral and common form of perpetration, saying I am entitled to your resources because of what's happening for me or because of how I feel.

The rescuer is fixing something from a state of disempowerment and a premise of understanding others in the situation as disempowered. The rescuer is at once influenced by emotional manipulation and enacting emotional manipulation on others. "I will feel bad until you feel better" is the disempowerment contract of the rescuer.

When I am empowered, I give to the world from my overflow, I gain from the world's overflow, and I know there is nothing to fix. I feel how I feel and I know the feelings are for me. Feeling bad, a victim says "you made me feel bad and that's wrong." Feeling bad, a perpetrator says "I deserve to feel better, whatever the cost." Feeling bad, a rescuer says "I'll stop feeling so bad when everyone else feels better." Feeling bad, an empowered person says "I feel exactly this, and I know it won't be forever."

All extortion, all coercion, all manipulation is within the realm of disempowerment. Disempowerment is any war with reality. Power lies in accepting reality and accounting for it with my human life.