Dubious

I've grown dubious about divine union, when once I was sold, when once I felt myself in possession of such union.

The fairytale idea of this partnership, especially a larger-than-life man, ruled my life for so long.

Finally, finally, I found him. I was sure.

Then, 18 months in, I could see how, with nothing wrong with our partnership, it was not enough. It could not be enough—it was not a life. It was context for meeting a life.

I made a request for a different sort of life and he put the wheels in motion, in unprecedented ways, driving us straight to our demise.

The way I wanted to live was not the way he and his family wanted to live, even though what we said about it all seemed to be in alignment.

It all blew up within a week, and I was devastated, wandered for months, and finally ended up in that life I'd dreamed of, the one I'd asked him to scaffold for us. It never needed scaffolding at all.

It was there waiting for me.

Having devotional partnership was so sweet, I continued wanting it for at least a year after that, and perhaps some part of me will always want it.

But this experience turned my attention toward the beingness, the ontology of the life that I want to be living, to the point where I cannot imagine yearning for an abstraction without finding some iteration of its fulfillment right here and now.

When it comes to divine partnership, Having it showed me what it is to Have it. It's a close relationship of ongoing harmony, in which we are context for one another's lives, in which we mutually invest in common life-structures and hold the bag together, where we live in the erotic truth that our bodies are homes for one another's bodies. We make the most out of being more than one person—we get to specialize, but we never get to take our eyes off the whole.

In this very moment, I have two partners in my home. One is flying away for a month, the other is stuck in this mess with me as I'm still integrating all my shit into his, I mean our, home.

These are "not romantic" partners, but what even is romance? A thrill and a letdown? A leap into uncertainty, mostly destined for a crash? A beautiful dream which can seem to be shared in visions that diverge when we try to bring them to real life?

This is love in my home right now. Support, nourishment, refuge, companionship. I have it with my best friends, should I yearn instead for what I've experienced as a less stable iteration?

What made me sure that a romantic partner was the one I'd want to share a home with? Where did I learn that, and how often have I seen that bear out in real life, in ways I would want to live?

I threw out everything I was sure about, and that has not led to me being sure of another form. It's only placed me here and now, with full faith that planning and abstraction are not required for me to have contentment now or in the future.

I don't know that the divine partnership is bust, I just know that I won't be holding out for it, wishing for it, waiting for it. I can be HAVING it here and now, if it's anywhere at all.

The form may be nothing like anything I've ever imagined.

That's part of the fun.