Exclusively Devoted

I am loud about not being monogamous.

This is more about sovereignty than it is about sex. I will not partner with someone I do not trust ENTIRELY with their own sovereign life and choices. I only want a partner on the condition that he is free to pursue every desire of his.

I will not ask one thing of him—he loves me in such a way that his devotion is unquestionable—a demand would be an insult. A request is insane. I need only to share my desire, drop a passing fancy, and he is making it happen, because he wants to, and I know it's because he wants to because he does exactly what he wants.

If I ever told him what to do, if I ever told him even ONE thing to do, or asked him to do something, he would be IN MY MIND doing it because I said so. Doing it because I asked. His desire would have no part in this story—this is a way I shape my own experience of the world, impervious to observing a change. When I ask, I can believe he only did it because I asked. If he had been about to do it, I just deprived myself of seeing him want and choose to do it without being asked.

I cannot trust a man who is not doing exactly what he wants.

I know the hearts of men. The soul of their desire involves sacrifice on behalf of worthy others, undying loyalty to the source of nourishment, service to those they love. They fantasize about offering protection and high-level provision. They dream of a woman with whom it all makes sense, a family it is all for.

So I am not monogamous, in the sense that I will not ask that my partner partner only with me. I want our relationship to make him MORE free, offer him EVERY path to nourishment he would choose for himself. And I will choose a man based on the choices I see him make for himself about his nourishment, how they are compatible with my value system.

When I personally feel that level of devotion and admiration for a partner, I myself tend toward sexual exclusivity in practice. Things are humming along, great sex all the time, happy home, vibrant community, I rarely feel the impulse to truly carry on with someone else. I feel turnon and erotic impulse, sexual energy, flirtation, tension, and it feels great to hold it right there.

Sex with someone other than my partner is almost a daunting prospect to me, even fully permitted. The logistics of actual (safe) sex are a lot. The time it takes. It feels narrowed in to be with one partner, when I am so nourished as to want to diffuse my attention outward. The act itself feels superfluous, when the energy is so palpable and present and complete. My deeper system entrains to one man, as far as I have experienced.

Yet, I never promise sexual exclusivity, because I am not interested in any partner who would want me to be less free. I am not interested in a man who sees another man as a threat. I am not interested in a man who would question my devotion to our ENTIRE LIFE for the way I played with someone else in a fleeting moment of bliss. I simply do not think sexual feeling and expression are any metric by which to measure life partnership.

My husband could only be a man who respects my sovereignty, my choices, and the value system which guides them. My husband wants me to be the one who chooses how I steward my body and my life. My husband wants to know the people I care for, he respects my other relationships of every and any flavor. He loves to see me well-loved. He wants me to have every element of bliss and nourishment in my life. He knows that every free act I take in my life is fueled by HIS provision, that the nourishing context he is for my life is the foundation upon which I act, that he is the covering under which I am safe to act boldly.

I happen to tend to practice being sexually exclusive to one partner most of the time. I go with how my body feels, and this is what I found when I was deep in devotion. I hesitate to even say it that way, sexual exclusivity, because it is such a here and now matter, and sex is such a nuanced spectrum, and erotic energy flows into sexual energy indistinctly, and a person wanting monogamy from me would have been upset by some things.

And when I am in the thrall of a man I admire, I am kneeling at his feet, daily.

I am oriented to him.

I am creating with him.

He is someone I will partner with because we happen to love all the time we spend together and keep wanting to do it over and over. It feels so good to be together we choose it all the time.

We have desire and compatibility enough for desire and compatibility to be all that keeps us together. We have holistic desire, like adults. It is sourced in a value system of integrity which includes facing pain and shadow, occasional meaningful sacrifice, enthusiastic adjustment to mutual preference, love of the other's happiness.

I let acquaintances with men and friendships with men nourish me and nourish them. I hold various boundaries I don't need to explain to anyone, but I'm getting "laid" far less than soooo many of you LOVE to imagine. (also less than I imagine). It is easy to be no strings attached with men who are not my husband, and that doesn't mean we are or aren't fucking. They're humans I'm humaning with, aka FRIENDS. We do what we WANT. Friendship works because it is no-strings-attached.

My husband is a man I will stick together with like magnets. Why would you or I insist on, settle for, mere strings?