Hold this for me?

The reason that most people struggle with boundaries and all sorts of relationship communication is the same reason why most teachings about boundaries and relationship communication don’t help.

The whole idea is that if I just tell the other person what to do and what I like effectively enough, then I’ll have what I want.

But it never ever works like that.

If that is my definition of success, I will endlessly criticize my closest loved ones.

Because if I can’t hold my boundaries without telling anyone else about them, telling other people won’t help. It only lets me think they’re refusing a reasonable request, it only lets me resent them for not taking action where they are powerless.

They can’t know better than I know what will give me an experience I value. They can’t give me an experience I value unless I know how to take what I value from the world and leave the rest. They can’t give me anything I value unless I’m capable of receiving what I value, occupying a place where I can have what I value.

They can’t listen to me if I am not speaking about the important thing. They can’t be purely loving to me if I’m interpreting half their words as cruelty. They can’t give me everything I want without becoming something other than themselves.

They can’t change how I feel about their limitations, how I experience their best effort, how I interpret their innocence.

This is where nobody else can help you, the boundaries within.

Knowing what you’re available for and only going there is what it means to have and hold boundaries.

Great communication in relationship has nothing to do with asking other people to do things, it has to do with maintaining ownership of the way I am speaking to myself within me about the other person and myself.

These are the nuances of exquisite boundaries.