I Am the One for Alignment
Wifey is moving out today, to live in a spot just to herself for a time, and nothing whatsoever has gone wrong.
A client observed this on a group call the other day—"this way does not avoid or ignore conflict, it makes conflict unneccessary!"
Precisely.
Conflict is not necessary. I don't fear it. I'm capable of meeting it. I rarely ever do.
I rarely meet conflict because I am the one for me. I have no need to control or judge others' actions because I am the one who ensures all my needs are met based on who is around and available. I am not confused that some other person is supposed to be accommodating me all the time. I am the one for me.
I rarely meet conflict because I am the one for them. I am not confused that the other person's preferences and actions are an evaluation of me or personal to me in any way. I am the one to be excited FOR THEM when they discover what is right for them. I am the one for them, the one to see their agency, to see their truth, to cultivate an environment that works for everyone involved. I am the one to honor the right distance of connection, as indicated by their preferences as well as my own.
I am the one to grieve the dissonance if reality diverges from my dreams and imaginings. I am the one to be in love with what IS.
I am the one to approve of my loved ones pursuing what is exactly right for them. I am the one to know that we can have more space without parting ways. I am the one my judgments are for, if they arise.
I am the one to honor the rightness of every flow and transition.
She's been making breakfast every morning for who all in the house wants it, and this morning over our last breakfast of this iteration, someone asked "what are you going to do when Jen's no longer cooking?"
I said "I'm actually excited to go back to being the wife of the house. Having a wife has polarized me into more daddy energy, and I have been FRUSTRATED to find my own inner husband pulling some husband bullshit."
We got to talking about it, with much laughter, how one day Jen asked me to clean up the house and my first reaction (which I fully contained within myself) was to think "the house IS clean, what is she even talking about?" But I DISbelieve my thoughts and honor my investment--practically I DID invest in this relationship, in sharing a home with this woman, so if I think she's wrong, I think again.
That day I spent like an HOUR tidying the house. And rolling my eyes at that inner husband who couldn't even see the mess. And eating the crow of being him, and feeling grateful for my practice of being the one who meets my own reactivity and arguments without bringing them to the other person.
I bring these truths post-process, so we can all laugh at the silliness, at the way I can BE the man who had so frustrated me in the past, and all it takes is someone else there with a higher standard than me. It is not her business to convince me that there is a mess. It's MY business to meet all the arguments within me in order to honor the investments I have chosen.
I am the one for me. It makes peace within me.
I am the one for them. It continues peace and fosters connection. It ends arguments before they start, it means I set to MY work until I am too busy to evaluate or notice theirs.
There was about 20 minutes of fear when Jen told me two weeks ago she was moving out in two weeks. I am the one to meet my fears, and that is what I did.
Then I understood, this is god's business, and my fear ALWAYS comes up when I try to meddle in god's business. I asked what's next, from utter unknowing, and some powerful and delicious things landed immediately. Others are hovering around as possibilities.
I'm the one to honor the closing of this iteration, to receive the next iteration, to participate, to welcome it. I am NOT the one to create it or make it happen.
