If You Ever Remember
if you ever remember who I am
I'll cry alongside you
for the way
you couldn't forget me if you remembered you
how long you spent
alienating from me
alienated from yourself
and you and I both lost you.
how I dropped it
how I refused to fight
how I chose not to engage with a consciousness
I believed could only misunderstand me
how I seemed to you exactly what you imagined me to be
and I felt my only power was in giving you
as little content
to misunderstand
as possible.
you used my image to harm yourself
and in that moment I ceased to trust you with it
Thinking you knew it,
you told yourself what it was
an agent of your harm
didn't bother to look again
decided you didn't want it.
And I had to face that you would harm yourself
the one I love so well
and then you would give that harm my face.
I snatched it back from your hands
and waited for you to understand
you didn't know how to handle it
you'd not looked closely enough.
No matter of its safety with you,
it is always safe with me.
It's you in my mourning, my love. You.
How I yearn to have you all in love
regardless of what that ever has to do with me
and yet I know that you have turned away from love
because you turned away from me.
A knife in my heart!
The ache in yours.
The way you will choose ache for yourself,
it will be your offering to me and
it will be a void my love falls into,
a distortion portal for my image,
a reason to create distance
when you are free to have any amount of space.
Darling, I love that you love the ache. I have known this love too.
But now I'm all in on a sweeter love,
the love of Having.
The yearning and earning, I wouldn't take it from you.
I'd love for you to seek that and have me too
wanting it all
having it all
they're different skills.
another skill altogether: holding both
I'm all in with ones who are
having all they want of life
including desire
I entrust my image to those who cherish it with love.
I'll stand however far away from you
for however long
joyful among those who are loving toward my image
until you remember me.
and if you remember me
when we happen upon each other.
I'll cry alongside you.
You lost me. We both lost you.
