Irreverent

One thing about me: I am a little judgy about the "spiritual" crowd.

The earnestness is tough for me. The poise of calm confused with peace conflicts with my stories and experiences of what peace really is.

I often feel like my energy is too much or not enough in a space, and I find that energetically my body provides the counter to what is missing in these spaces, often this ingredient is groundedness, rooting in reality. Joyous dance spaces will call my body flat to the floor.

I don't enjoy the time in the cacao circle, it feels truly uncomfortable to my body to hear empty land acknowledgements and native prayers appropriated through a colonizer lens.

I fidget and squirm, I hold back jokes, or fail to.

I am not reverent to ritual and ceremony, I never have been. I'd say I'm funniest in church, when nobody should be talking.

All in all, I tend to feel bad about this, and when I'm in a lot of spiritual spaces or with people doing lots of inner work out loud I judge myself for judging the practices, for thinking I know better than these people, thinking they could just *live life.*

They ARE living life, I tell myself. When did I get so judgy? Can I even be around people?

Then I interact with members of the general public. I embody being the container for the space, and I find that I am generous and allowing. The truth that moves through the general population, the utter raw authenticity! I am SO able to be here for it, present with it, resilient to it.

The Way I walk was never honed by or intended for "intentional" spaces, for circling, for authentic relating, for conscious community. This Way is built on the mean streets of real life, mouths to feed, annoying bureaucracy, health issues, seniors, children both "troubled" and "prosocial," grief and loss, loved ones stolen in the night and in the light of day. Emotions demanding expression, expressions coming "imperfectly."

Yes, THIS is what I excel at holding. This is the type of interaction that excites and delights me.

This is the Way of exquisite personal responsibility, the way of Stewardship. Being tender with those I bring in close. Being durable and playful with those I encounter by chance.

I can adore any way someone is choosing to be.

I can’t help but roll my eyes if someone is trying to be good.