Is the Desire Mutual?

Desires that aren't mutual are NOT PART OF THE RELATIONSHIP.

This is one of the most painful things people bring to me.

They have a desire their partner isn't fulfilling, and they don't know what to do about it.

Often their partner agrees to fulfill it, agrees every time it's raised, and still it's not happening.

This is because the desire is not mutual.

It hurts because you think that your desires are meant to be met in your partnership.

While it's true that you may not want a partnership that doesn't meet all your desires (especially if you're monogamous), it is not your partner's job or the job of your relationship to meet your every desire.

You probably already know this and play Settlers of Catan with your friends instead of your lover (or whatever the Settlers of Catan of your relationship is).

But when it comes to *certain desires* (usually those related to intimacy, touch, and sex) you want to cram your desires into your relationship.

But desires that are not mutual are not part of the relationship.

When you express a desire, if that desire is mutual, it will happen. If the desire is mutual, it's often happening without you expressing it.

If something you desire isn't happening in your relationship, it's because the desire is not mutual and therefore is part of YOU not part of your relationship. (Remember, you are more than your relationship. A lot more.)

Getting real about this lets you make choices from stable ground, ground that's rooted in the reality that your partner's desires (and lack of desire) are as important as yours.

You may find that when you accept this desire isn't part of your relationship, your relationship suddenly looks whole.

You may find when you accept this desire isn't part of your relationship, it's EASY to fulfill that desire outside your relationship. Or you may find it's possible after some negotiation with your partner.

You may find when you accept that this desire isn't part of your relationship that the relationship isn't as compelling--that you were actually in love with a story of the relationship where that desire was part of it instead of the reality of the relationship where that desire is only yours.

No matter what you find when you accept this truth, it's always better to be playing in truth. Let this truth be the foundation for the life where all of your desires are welcome.