It's a Pattern

Often people tell me that they resent their loved ones because they demonstrate a pattern of a particular type of disrespect.

They're consistently late.

They're flaky.

There are miscommunications.

Ok, I say to them, it's a pattern. It's one YOU know about. It's one you serve yourself when you interact with this person.

Personal responsibility says that if I choose to interact with this person, I accept what I know will be served. I set my expectations according to what I know can occur, and I accommodate my own experience of what I predict will happen.

I don't hurry out the door for the friend who is late. I bring a book for the wait. I tell her I have a strict end time if that's true or if it helps me reserve exactly the time I am available to her, including her lateness.

I have backup plans in place if they're flaky. I'm ready to pivot if I think the plan might fall through. I might even find myself looking forward to it.

I'm ready to bring my best communication skills if I judge communication is lacking in the other person. I'm ready to ask them to reflect what they heard, I'm ready to put it in writing, and I'm ready to patiently untangle any snarl.

Right relationship means that I accept reality. When I know the reality of the person's pattern of behavior, accepting reality means accommodating my own experience of reality. It means giving myself whatever nourishment I need to LOVE them and myself in what I know I’m signing up to serve myself by interacting with them.

This is the way that I can accommodate a person’s limitations and humanity without booting every misbehaver out of my life. I’m geared toward the reality I like, and I’m geared toward liking reality.

And I do not help the friend who is cruel to those who try to help.

I don't serve the one who is constantly in need.

I don't bring the gift of truth to the one who is reactive.

I don't cater to anyone's addiction to emergency or scarcity or crisis.

I simply ADORE their freedom to create exactly what feels right to them, and my freedom to attend to what resonates with me.