It's Not Gossip

"Maybe you should talk to *them* about it."

This is what we say when someone comes to us about an issue with someone else, and it's among the worst possible responses.

This is some more of that well-meaning relational advice that is antithetical to interdependent human relationships.

When we do this, we squander an opportunity to love, to understand, and to spread love and understanding.

We do it because it feels like a virtue to reject gossip, to wall it out and "not talk behind others' backs."

But talking behind each other's backs is essential to civilization. Communities of devotional love run on this practice, and it's anything but gossip.

We were meant to help each other love each other.

In devotional love, I know myself to be an alchemical force. It may in fact be gossip that they're bringing me, but gossip cannot survive my alchemical field.

In fact, people who thrill on the tone and practice of gossip tend to stop coming to me with it, because they are met again and again with truth and understanding that takes all the wind out of their critical sails.

I WILL receive your vitriol, but I will not help you increase it, or increase its toxicity. Rather, you'll bring it to me and it will evaporate like leprechaun gold, you'll realize you never had any treasure at all.

This is a gift not everyone experiences as a gift, but I meet those people less and less frequently.

The people that I vibe with are doing this practice as well. They come to me to talk about how to love and understand others better, how to take responsibility for their own emotional experience, and how to hold high standards for relating with others even when they themselves are going through it with that person.

We don't rush immediately to a loved one when we think we have a problem with them. We rush to another trusted loved one, to show us how to bring only the clearest, sweetest, most loving relating to the one we find to be challenging.

We allow ourselves to have the fullness of our process and thoughts in a realm where they won't cause damage, and then we keep the limited time we have in relationship geared toward what we like about being together.

This is what I mean by civilization--generative relationships, maintenance of harmony, cooperation, collaboration, and systems which honor the sovereignty and sanctity of every experience.

It's ok to talk behind other people's backs, it's actually a service, as long as you're being civilized about it.