Negotiating with No
"Now I don't wanna go!" she whined.
He had signed them up for the event. Three minutes ago she was on board.
Now she was singing a different refrain. It was one I'd heard recently, the whole walk to ecstatic dance.
"I don't wanna go to school!!" A comical whine; Leela Rose, true to her ethos, that when we playfully dramatize, we don't need serious drama.
He handles her admirably. "No backing out now. We are going."
His energy holds her resistance, it permits it and makes space for it. She gets to have any sort of fit she wants. I lean in and join in grounding support for him.
It isn't that she doesn't want to go. It's that she wants to go even if she has a fit about not wanting to go. She wants to go AND she wants to have the fit.
That's my woman, and she gets to have it all.
"'No' is the beginning of the negotiation."
—Chris Voss, Never Split The Difference
Yielding to resistance in relationship is rooted in a misunderstanding of consent.
If we think of consent as agreement or permission, we must treat "no" as a final answer.
But this is unsatisfying to the human experience, which is not a line we walk, but a world we navigate.
Truly, "no" is no answer at all.
"No" to what is on offer must be a yes to something else. Here is this moment, and I must do something with it.
“No” is the beginning of the negotiation. Chris Voss defines negotiation as "communication with results." Defined this way, negotion is an appropriate term for the communication which results in moments we treasure.
Consent. Con, for “together.” Sentire, “to feel.” Consent is feeling together. When they are a no to something I'm feeling, that's the beginning of negotiating to what we are BOTH feeling.
In truth, the willingness and skill to engage with resistance is a high relational art. It is most valuable within myself, allowing me to push edges and explore uncomfortable ideas about myself. It's incredibly powerful with children, as they assert their identity via resistance.
“No” is not the end of the conversation. In fact, if we stay in love, there IS NO END to the conversation.
Staying connected through and via the “No” is what it means to live relationship beyond cycles of rupture and repair.
The free ability to say “yes” and “no” hinges on the capability of those close to me to easily hear and remain connected through “yes” and “no” equally. If “no” is the end of the connection, if “no” can cut off this moment, it's not actually safe to say “no.”
