Discover more from LovingU by Hannah Taylor
I am a recovering requester.
I was really into feelings, needs, requests, and verbal communication in general for a while.
I got great at NVC; it used to be really important in my professional life that I communicate persuasively, and I brought that into my partnerships, because I believed that relationships were about getting needs met creatively.
I value all the education I gave myself in that time, because it's the foundation from which I was able to transcend that. (Read: don't think you're gonna be able to skip this, and don't think I'm knocking this approach.)
It was really important for a time that I was able to ask my partner for the penetration I wanted (not just nookie but touch, attention, compliments, dates). I found myself in possession of my voice, and I got to experience my voice as powerful and successful.
But now from the place where I KNOW the power of my voice, I find it's more fun not to use it.
I notice where I want to use my voice instead of tuning my energy, and I can feel the way I used to use a practice of asking or implying to make it my partner's fault when I wasn't really ready to receive. I required him to refuse me or to violate me. I realize the part of me that desperately wants it to be his responsibility to get me ready to receive. And how doomed that is.
The energetic complement of penetration is receiving. When I want a form of penetration from my partner, the first thing I check is whether I am in a state of receiving there. Is that part soft, welcoming, inviting? Is that part ready to experience pleasure? Am I really ready for a compliment, or am I going to immediately throw back a sarcastic retort? Am I really ready for leadership or do I want a suggestion to rebel against?
One important aspect of this inquiry within me is that there are no wrong answers to find when I check for my receiving. I don't have to be ready to receive, but when I see that it's me who is not ready to receive, I see him in his innocence, and I feel that he is connected to the truth of me. He's not penetrating because I'm not ready to receive.
This is MY responsibility to stay in connection, it’s what I have to do before I ask anything of him. I keep my focus on my own integrity, and I’m too busy to find his faults.