On Notice

Compatibility is key to relationship because people will immediately adjust back to their own standard, but resent being held to someone else's standard.

Responsible adults, the ones you'd actually want to relate closely with, adjust any time they notice they've strayed from their own standard.

In relationships between compatible, responsible adults, adjustment requires no more than noticing.

For a responsible adult, anything beyond noticing, like criticism, judgment, contempt, frustration, resentment, and punishment, is too much. It's unneccessary and disrespectful of their continual process of integrity and they simply will not tolerate it. They won't SAY they won't tolerate it, it is simply not part of any experience they will choose.

If your practice of adjustment is more heavy-handed than noticing, it's probably due to your experience of trying to engineer compatibility. This is where you need to first convince the other person that your standard is correct (often by shaming their wrong-standard) and then enforce that they hold it.

It's doomed.

And also,

your heavy-handed practice of adjustment will drive away compatible connection with responsible adults so that the heavy-handed practice is all that makes sense, with the incompatible connections you're calling in.

This is a self-perpetuating practice, therefore, and could be why you feel stuck.