Planning for the Pattern

when I felt that feeling, I knew it was doomed

Years ago, in the infancy of my relational reorganization, I started dating a man and I was sure he was "the one."

I flipped ahead 6 months in my planner and I scheduled for myself "break up with [that guy]."

I'd tried plenty to change my relational patterns, and finally backtracked to the only place where there's hope for that—radical honesty, total ownership.

I made the choice to own the fullness of my relational pattern.

When this feeling that inspires my certainty I've found "the one" arises, I know that I'm on a ride that will be over before six months is out.

The feeling in me that inspired this story, and my patterns of investing in this story, had a reliable trajectory, and owning it let me see how it was both serving and limiting me.

That relationship was over WAY before that date in my planner. I got to that date and felt a fresh wave of exasperation with myself, and probably plenty of shame.

But I also felt pride in my self-knowledge, in a way, passing a test I'd set for myself, assuring myself I had gone in with my eyes as open as they could possibly be.

I was right about those feelings, those feelings NEVER lead to the one.

I shifted after that and chose to respond differently to my feelings. I allowed the fantasy-men who got my heart racing and my brain scheming to stay where they belonged, in my imagination. I opened my perception to something much more grounded, much more like the way I feel when I'm KILLIN IT in my own lane and my own game. I invested in relationships from this standard, instead.

I had different experiences after that, eventually landing in an embodiment of safety and security unlike anything I'd felt or known before.

This is my new standard that I'll have forevermore, unless and until a more exquisite one arises. Though the relationship which facilitated it is no more, the embodied standard is mine.

When I feel the resonance of this safety with and from a man, he's meeting my bare-minimum standard for engagement. I choose not to invest in many wonderful men with plenty to offer when this standard is not present, even if other metrics light me up in other ways. This standard has nothing to do with his outward metrics, it’s about how I feel when I'm with him.

I am at peace and my discernment is effortless. My investment is tied to a standard with robust integrity, now, and I get to simply enjoy myself, trusting that.