Reactive Amends

My definition of adulthood is that I can offer into the system more than I cost.

Part of this is being relentlessly empowered in my emotional experience, such that I am responsive rather than reactive.

As I've committed to walking this path, I've noticed some very well-meaning patterns I was taught which are actually driven by emotional reactivity.

One of these is repair and amends.

I have ALWAYS hated hearing "I'm sorry" from others. Especially in light of the deaths of my family members, "I'm sorry" centers the apologizer and their emotional experience over the one receiving this statement.

I could feel it, even as a child, people who said "I'm sorry for your loss," wanted something from ME. They wanted to know they were doing it right, making it feel better, offering me something of value. In the throes of grief, exhausted, this was frustrating beyond belief, and so so alienating.

I watched this play out as well, in the MeToo movement, where the public demanded apologies from ill-behaved men only to pick apart the apology for how it centered his experience over the experience of his victims. Yes, of course, that's how it works, especially when an apology is driven by a request rather than genuine remorse.

The apology centers the apologizer.

An apology or repair conversation driven by the demand of the other party is guaranteed-unsatisfying. An apology or repair conversation driven by remorse and shame is an ASK of the receiver, and usually driven by emotional reactivity.

"I hate feeling this shame, so I will say the right thing so you forgive me and I can stop this feeling. I will do this urgently, because I cannot bear the shame one second longer. You will hear me, because it's a good thing I'm offering you."

I've even heard someone directly point at this in response to an apology. He was going about his business, clearly focused on his own task, and someone interrupted him to apologize to him. He said "this is not for me. You are asking me to center your emotional experience right now."

And he was correct.

The way I claimed my emotional responsiveness, I relied heavily on writing (shocker). Amends are part of this—they first go on paper.

Once my amends have gone on paper, I see my opportunity to LIVE the amends. This is what I offer to the other person, living amends.

If I am sorry for how I spoke to them in a moment of frustration, I make a plan for how I will claim and manage my frustration next time and I live it. After I have lived it, I might mention my remorse for the last time.

My practice of emotional mastery results in emotional responsiveness. That means I don’t have to reactively make amends, rush to repair, or immediately address something crunchy. I can feel discomfort, shame, and remorse, and continue to show up to curate the exact moment I want to share with my loved one. I can also feel hurt and tender and misunderstood and continue to show up to curate the exact moment I want to share with my loved one.

Whatever I experience is MINE to work through. It is for me in that it is to my benefit and it is my responsibility. I don’t have to let my judgment of my own experience or my war with my own emotions separate me from a moment of connection with a loved one. Amends and repair can be as responsive, attuned, and emergent as any other facet of relationship.