Stay or Go

You wonder, should I stay or should I go? 

Maybe for years

Maybe some part of you has wondered all along

What you’re staying for is always changing

Or maybe it isn’t changing enough

Where you’d go has always been a mystery

It’s a curtain you have maybe barely peeked behind

But you have no clear picture of what lies beyond

(If you think you have a clear picture, let me assure you, it is distorted in ways you might not be able to imagine.)

No, you don’t imagine it clearly, because then it ceases to be an amorphous refuge, something sure to save you if things here get bad enough. 

Nor are you prepared to confront the way so much of your life would remain the same, how much of your pain is squarely within you, how convenient it is to have that other person, that challenging situation around, seeming like the frustrated solution. 

This, too, is a refuge, because some part of you knows there are elements here you might own more fully to experience quite differently. 

But your framing says you need to stop doing that thing, the other person is not offering you enough, always vague enough to be the thing that could save the day. 

Never clarifying, it remains the thing that could become clear in any moment. The consciousness of a gambler. 

My love, I do not care if you stay or if you go

(In part, that qualifies me to reflect you in this liminal space, whereas others in your life may bear an agenda or form a record of this time which impacts all the village going forward)

I care that you are at peace with the way you are spending the sacred moments of your precious, one and only life. 

I care that you agree with your life. Maybe nothing about your life needs to change for that to happen. Maybe everything about your life needs to change for that to happen. 

But almost always, the answer is in the nuanced in-between, tuning how you are who you are as well as what you show up to participate in. 

You know this, and it’s part of what has you paralyzed. 

I don’t want to panic you with urgency, that these days are passing you by, that they are countable, though their number is unknowable. That urgency is already within you, driving chaos where you might have order and clarity. 

I want to reify your process with the gentle reality that these moments right now are the sacred entirety of the experience available to you. 

I want to show you the tools you already know, set deep in the fundament of your love for others, the world, this human experience, and yourself. 

I want to help you refine your technique to apply those tools with skill and precision to honor and uplift the sacredness right now, to develop the capacity to manage fear while tuning to love. 

I want you to arrive at the peace of either decision, or neither decision, I want to explore with you infinite other positive real visions of how your nuanced, mostly-wonderful life could feel more exquisitely YOURS, more refined, more curated, more sumptuous and satisfying. 

I want to help you stand squarely in the reality of a life that’s deliciously FOR you, one that makes you want to BE HERE NOW. 

Because that is the answer, my love. I would never withhold it from you, I will give you the answer right now, it’s only that I would never want you to face the hardship of attempting to create this alone: 

Staying isn’t a thing. 

Going isn’t a thing. 

There is only being here now. 

Choosing the beingness. 

Choosing the now. 

I'm loving you.