Trenchcoat
When I tell people I'm not monogamous, I often hear about how they couldn't do that, it makes them so anxious, and then a slew of questions about situations I have never in seven years of this practice encountered.
This is so revealing of the problems in modern dating and relational culture, driven by arrangements, expectations, and assumptions.
Monogamy isn't the problem, and non-monogamy isn't the solution (or the problem).
I believe these to be orientations as much as anything else is.
The problem is the delusional practice of centering the Ever After ahead of the Here and Now.
It has often seemed to me as a non-monogamous person that this is a problem of monogamy—that the desire to be chosen ahead of all others is what created the future projection and the rushed demand that we figure out all the hypotheticals now.
But as I've dropped monogamy, this orientation to the future is still available in this community as much as anywhere else.
"Will this relationship meet my needs? Which of my needs will this relationship meet? How will you get along with my other partners? How will we integrate new partners?"
This centering of the Ever After (which, by the way, does NOT exist) means that conversations about the Ever After make up much of the content of a developing partnership, and the partnership may fail to build into adequate context for real life, having never been filled and tested with real-world content.
My practice of non-monogamy doesn't ASK for commitment.
Your practice of monogamy doesn't need to, either.
That doesn't mean we won't receive commitment.
It means we honor the way commitments emerge, rather than demanding them or centering the promise of commitment as if it is a sturdy post for partnership.
These relational-building conversations, and the idea of their importance, is clouding our ability to see what is Here and Now between us.
Commitment to a person or a relational configuration is future-orientation. Attempting to secure this commitment, displaying the loyalty of this commitment before investing in connection is backwards.
It has a reliable downward trajectory, it reliably creates systems which lose energy over time.
My commitment, instead, is to the Here and Now.
I invest in connections based on the worthiness of the Here and Now, how I find this to be nourishing, enjoyable, aligned with my life.
Ever After does not exist—look closely at any Ever After, and you'll find it's actually three Here and Nows in a trench coat.
If you don't know how to BE Happily Here and Now, if you aren't practiced with HAVING partnership Happily Here and Now, Happily Ever After will remain an elusive delusion.
