No one can tell you what is going on for them if you are convinced you already know.
The biggest issue I see in longterm couples who really love each other, whether I see them as individuals or together, is the issue of each of them thinking they know what the other person means by the words they are using.
Even the longest running conflicts can heal in moments when an accurate translation lands.
Humans are adorable creatures. We can talk past each other’s point for literal years without ever hearing the real point.
Every conflict begins with a knowing.
Every conflict can end with a skillful and well-applied not-knowing.
Anything I am sure I know about a loved one is a trap they can never escape. This is a beautiful thing when I know they are worthy of my love. It is a devastating thing if I know that they are problematic in some way, willfully determined to hurt me, or incapable of growth and change.
Most of us prefer the realms of the known, and thus we have a compulsive habit of explaining and rationalizing the behavior and words of others in our minds and attaching to these rationalizations.
This process is not optional.
We all have the opportunity to cultivate a habit of conversation with these automatic stories, such that we can find our way back to the state of curiosity possible when we know we do not know.
When I am unused to questioning my own stories, any story someone tells me about themselves which conflicts with my inner story about them seems to be fake, a lie, a blindspot, a refusal to acknowledge “the truth.” I can haughtily put my projection story ahead of their reported lived-experience and then accuse them of being out of touch with themselves.
This is maddening for anyone trying to be honest with me.
When I am accustomed to questioning my own stories, I’m likely to give at least equal credence to the self-report of the individual, and I’m willing to change my story about them if their report makes equal sense to my report. This is how I come to be a safe and understanding space for my loved ones to bring their earnest effort to explain their vast interiority.
Do I really know them? Could I ever really know them?
If my answer is yes, then the answer is no.
Beautiful ❤️