Unnaturally Loving

People often try to compliment me on how naturally loving I am.

Yes, I am naturally loving. I cannot not love. I have never been able to not feel and know love, even for those who hurt me.

But that does NOT mean that I am naturally respectful, reverent, or particularly kind to the ones I love. I have claimed this as my personal responsibility, as a standard I hold for myself, a standard I hold myself to. I mastered intense reactivity, righteousness, and vindictiveness.

I climbed out of a deep hole of disrespect, control, manipulation, and sometimes outright abuse toward the ones I love. These actions are practices and habits which I was taught were part of relationship, just how it goes sometimes. Something to love others through, something others will love you through.

This teaching was incorrect, but I still had to practice it, find its flaws, and unlearn it. Nothing will ever forgive this or erase the impact I had on the ones I claimed to love but did not practice loving actions toward.

Last year when my life fell apart inexplicably, I was enveloped by a large family who loves each other so well.

It's not like nothing ever goes wrong, or no one ever feels hurt, but I witness them turn toward each other and toward the truth every time.

Before I met any of them in person, I knew that love on planet earth, love in a human body, love in relationships is not enough as a feeling, it must be a series of actions, practices, and attentional orientation, continually tuned to the loved ones and the moment.

As often happens, I acted in faith that something like this was out there for me, and once again I have been blown away by a new frontier I couldn't even imagine.

This family makes me question my party ethic, reminds me to play in millions of moments I might forget, embraces each other and what's happening so radically I am humbled. They love me in ways I don't even consider receiving. This family loves in actions and practices that make me wonder "why didn't I think of that?" And then I get to work.

I can't keep up, and thankfully nobody, including me, is measuring my ability to keep up. I LOVE being somewhere I'm struggling to keep up, constantly learning, admiring, and growing because of the exquisiteness of those around me.

Whatever it is you have faith in, understand that part of your faith is that you CANNOT imagine how good it will really be. Faith is about that specific unknowing, moving in the direction of "something like this" until you're in an unrecognizable landscape, learning constantly, struggling to keep up, humbled.

You can't imagine it, but you'll do your best. Act in faith, walk toward your "something like this." Dream as big as you can, the reality will always be bigger.