We Don't Talk About It

In compatibility, when the energy gets a little wonky in the relationship, one or both of us tunes something to restore harmony.

The end.

There's not a comment in the moment. Nothing brought up later. No feeling that something is being left unresolved or gathering resentment.

This is the primary reason why compatible relationship does not contain emotional or conflict processing.

We both take 100% responsibility for the tuning and the tone of our interactions. When I can sense that he needs or wants something, my first instinct is to check whether it's something I can simply DO. Am I available? Is this aligned with what I need too?

For example, when I can sense he needs space, it's often a nice reminder to check whether I need space. Often I find that I either need it myself or would take joy in creating it for both of us, and I just...do.

I don't ask him to verbally communicate everything. I don't shame him if he doesn't announce his needs with his words. That would be a denial of our felt-sense of each other and the way we continue to check and tune that aspect of our connection.

I KNOW he needs space, so in some way he HAS communicated it. I know it. I don't need him to jump through any other hoops.

Plus, when I feel his need for space and then recognize that same need within me, I have to wonder if perhaps I'm tuning in more to what he needs than what I need.

I have to recognize that before I went looking for it, spurred by what I felt from him, I wasn't clearly feeling my own need for space. How can I assume that HE is clear about his need for space, that it has risen in the ranks of his consciousness to merit a verbal announcement?

Speaking of which, do I want my relationship run by verbal announcement? Do I want to hear everything he needs out loud? Is there always a good way to ask for what we need in partnership?

I don't know about you, but I've done a lot of work on my worthiness, and I'm still not all that keen on the idea of hearing my partner say the words "I need space from you right now."

No matter how I know space is a good thing... something about that phrase would still sting my deep codependent programming.

I don't have to hear that when I freely give the space as soon as I sense he needs it. And hearing it out loud is the only part that makes me wince. So why insist on it?

Not everything needs to be communicated in relationship. Even for what must be communicated, most communication is nonverbal.

Verbal communication is a weak resource, especially in intimate relationships. It's best suited for lighthearted matters. It can also be a great way to clean up messes, especially if you're willing to get skilled with it.

But in order to have a relationship that simply stays clean, I had to detach from verbal communication as a metric for success or intimacy.