Wondering, Why?
Wondering is a compelling pastime. Wondering is interesting for my attention.
Wondering can be interesting enough to redirect my attention away from alignment.
The thing about alignment is that it feels like one thing. It's free of wondering, free of compromise, free of trying to be understood, trying to explain myself, trying to be seen.
It's free of these hamster-wheel internal processes which my childhood, with no agency to choose what was aligned for me, primed me to engage in.
It is hard to convince my mind to drop these processes. It's hard to convince my mind that the fact the process engages is all I need to know, that the process itself will not reveal anything more important to me than the fact that it began in the first place.
Alignment does not engage these processes.
In alignment, my attention turns to scheming. That satisfies my imaginal component of the relationship, along with reminiscing. I scheme about how to love the person better and fun things we might get up to. I reminisce about our love and all the things we have gotten up to. That's how I use my imagination and fantasy process in aligned relationships.
In misaligned relationships, I use my attention wondering what will happen in the future, wondering about the meaning of what's transpired between us so far, wondering how to make them get me better, wondering how I might get them better. Wondering if we are really understanding each other and where this might go.
Alignment feels like one thing. It's easy and subtle, like wearing those expensive underwear that seem to melt into the skin. Here it is in my life, oh wait, where did it go? It blended in seamlessly, it would be so easy to ignore or take for granted now!
Misalignment feels like a lot of things, and sure, some of them are crunchy or awkward or bad, but the more dangerous forms of misalignment feel thrilling, scintillating, mysterious, compelling. They feel like a stimulating journey, like I have so much to learn, like there is so much growth available here. They're dangerous because they make alignment even more ignorable, and I can fail to invest in what's aligned because misalignment is so fascinatingly complex.
Once misalignment is in my life, my loyalty engages and it seems too harsh to remove it from my life for things that "aren't really that bad." It can seem avoidant of all the "growth opportunities here." It can seem like important work to define myself in the light of this person's incomplete understanding of me, especially if they seem as curious and eager about what's going on between us as I am.
This is the actual bitch of exquisite, abundant boundaries. They have me refusing relationship with good, great, excellent people. They have me turning away from good, great, and excellent opportunities. I am like the princess and the pea, and even I can say to myself "this is ridiculously indulgent. You have no reason to pursue an adjustment, you have no cause to hold such a high standard."
But as I defy that, as I DO hold a standard, as I continue to be kind to others AND I conserve and reserve my energy at the barest hint of misalignment, I find alignment so good, it was unimaginable to me.
That is, the good, great, and even excellent relationships which I divest from, sometimes reluctantly and regretfully, have an unimaginable opportunity cost. They stand in the doorway preventing things so good I couldn't imagine that they're preventing anything at all, because I can't imagine something better than my prior definitions of good, great, and excellent.
I hear it all the time, "but is that really bad enough to end the relationship?"
BAD ENOUGH? What do you mean BAD enough? Are we orienting to the bare minimum we can handle?
Is it EXQUISITE enough to include in my precious countable moments? Is it delivering more to me than alone time, more to me than an investment in an existing aligned exquisite connection? Or is it simply making me feel special and important for how I get to prance around on this hamster wheel I learned early on was a required part of relating?
What am I not seeing about what's here and now for the fact that this relationship has me wondering?
What is my time, energy, and attention really FOR in this life?
Only I can say. I make the statement moment by moment. I tell it to myself by how I spend these unsaveable resources.
